ahaṃkāra

identity

When we start a sadhana it is often as a reaction to suffering. We want to be happier and live life more at ease. The suffering that we experience is born from an identification with the physical body, the emotions, thought patterns and behaviors. We take the comings and the goings of the mind and body complex to be our truth. This is propelled by beliefs and habitual patterns that remain in the unconscious. At the root of it, we place our sense of identity in the body/mind complex and neglect the boundless awareness that holds space for all experiences alike. A sadhana (spiritual practice/inner exploration), can show us a different way to relate to the world around and within us.

Ahamkara as a term, relates to a sense of personhood / identity / ego / doer. Exactly which connotation is being referred to, depends on the context.

THE I-THOUGHT
Once we start a practice we have a tool that points us inward. In Advaita Vedanta we ask ourselves “Who Am I?”. Once this question becomes alive in us and we look through the lens of this question at every single experience - we start tracing the steps back to the source. It is a dissecting of the experience and exposure of its essence. Thus, we have the opportunity to equally look at the source of suffering, where it originates and how it permeates (or not), based on our sense of self. In Advaita Vedanta the concept of identity/ego/doer is referred to as the Ahamkara, the 'I-thought’ - which is equated with the body, mind and senses. The ego is intimately related to this ‘I-thought’. Soon enough we start questioning the ego and its existence, when tracing the ‘I-thought’ back to its source. It is so simple yet so complex. It is so profound and so paradoxical, yet at the same time as familiar as a deja-vu or aha-moment. It is fascinating to look at our own make-up through this lens. Once we start penetrating the layers, the power of the ego and the ahamkara starts to decrease. It may still always be there, as an expression of duality as we’re in this human incarnation. However, our relationship to it changes, which changes everything. We gain a greater sense of freedom in the sense that we create more space between awareness and our responses to the world within and around us.

WHO AM I?
With this question “Who Am I?” we start seeing the fleeting experiences and that which remains. That which remains is at the core of who we are. This awareness, that which remains, is what illumines the whole body-mind complex, and the same awareness is in essence what we are. It never leaves, never fades, is never altered (only veiled by conditioned ignorance and illusion) and it will always remain. That is our true nature, the eternal self. We are here to re-member that. This is what a sadhana of vichara (inquiry) has the potential of revealing. Thus the sadhana, or inquiry, serves as the tool, while the awareness serves as the teacher, the guru, the grace, the shraddha (the conviction/faith), the light and the boundless love. All this sounds pretty fluffy to talk about, however it is profound once this starts to reveal itself, as one starts looking differently at life and all experiences. This has the potential to bring about liberation from the bondage of thoughts like '“I am the body”, “I am my thoughts”, “This suffering is mine”. It is the contrary. The me, my, mine falls away and one starts seeing these things as if they are being played out as a movie on a screen.

ROOT OF SUFFERING
The sense of ‘I’ is a major part of the root cause of suffering. We relate through this imaginary self with the rest of existence. This is in itself necessary, both in order to see beyond duality, and to relate to life as we know it. However, inquiry invites you to look to the source of this sense of ‘I’. Where does it come from? When does it arise? What is it, really? The inquiry invites us to question the who and what of this ‘I’ - which we’re reinvesting in time and time again, by holding on to patterns, beliefs and conditioning. The more we sit with this, the more our attachments (and thus suffering) falls away. For example, if we experience resistance, we look at why the resistance arise, what we are fearing, where the fear comes from/what is its source, who is fearing/what is the source of the one who’s feeling the fear... And so the unveiling goes. This type of inquiry can be applied to any situation/emotion/response in life. We look at all aspects of our being and our sense of self. This imaginary person that we make ourselves to be (based on our own beliefs and the projections of others) is someone we take seriously because it is what we are familiar with, it is what we know, while there is something much more expansive underneath. Inquiry asks us to bring our attention from the experience itself to the underlying substratum. To that which is living through us. This is of course a huge topic for conversation, but we find it important to mention as it is the core of inquiry.

THE DOER
There is an underlying human condition that is fairly universal. The fear of death, the fear of annihilation, which expresses itself as a fear of change, of letting go, of surrender. But this is at its core the fear of death, the fear of loss of form and definition, a fear of the unknown. This spurs us to create a personality (or several) and hold a strong sense of identity in the foreground - a sense of doership. This sense of personhood, dressed in a certain identity, is what we perceive as the doer - at least while in the midst of maya. When we apply the tools of inquiry (which after awhile becomes second nature), we have the opportunity to really study the clinging to the identity, our sense of self which we have created (often guided by likes and dislikes). Once we start witnessing the underlying patterns of our behaviors (from thought level, through the emotional level, to the physical level, and beyond) we have the choice to consciously surrender our life to that which lives through us. It takes trust and courage to do so, hence the inquiry gets the mind more used to the idea that there is something hugely paradoxical going on within our experience and that we have the opportunity to rest into that. That’s where the peace is tasted - when we let go of the idea of being the doer. However, we often hold a fear of not being in control, or a fear of losing the sense of who we think we are, and this provides doubts along the way. The key is to keep witnessing, no matter your practice, method, or tools for inquiry. Eventually the person we thought we were - and the world around us - reveals itself as non-existent unless we participate in it - and with that comes a relief. We have to, for some reason, experience duality in order to see beyond it. The practice related to ahamkara is to inquire into that which lies beyond the identity.

Another important aspect to bring up in terms of ahamkara and a sense of doership is how all are tempted to put on spiritual identities along the spiritual path. If there is a person or individual who claims something, there is a sense of doership and personhood behind thoughts, words and actions. Often we see long lists of Spiritual Resumes and claimed credentials, serving as a nee identity. This is of course a trap in the greatest sense, and for some bridging the inner work and the outer world is a slippery slope. If one is not completely honest with oneself, or boosts the ego instead of dissolving it, one can be on the path of perpetuating and deepening, the groves within one’s dualistic existence - which makes a life without struggle harder to reach. A spiritual identity is still an identity. The practices are designed to help us see beyond our patterns and the body/mind-complex make up. However, if the clinging is deep enough, we just take on a different suit and call it purified. It may all seems like a positive evolution of the person, however it is still in name and claim, in the world of duality. The individual may have moved from being the beneficiary - to giving and helping. However, the identity of a saint is still an identity.